Put your bloomin’ clothes on!

This evening, the most ridiculous Guardian article appeared on my Facebook feed, titled ‘Fishlove 2013’.

Oh Gawd. What the hell is ‘Fishlove’? I flinched, before clicking on the link.

And there it was: a gallery of ‘stars’ (allegedly), in the nude, cuddling up to dead fish to ‘raise awareness of deep sea trawling’.

Cause that’s what you do when you care about life unda da sea.

There’s the French gallerist Emmanuel de Brantes with a barramundi sandwiched between his thighs; Gillian Anderson sporting a conger eel as if it were a scarf, and then there’s DJ Goldie… dangling a redfish dangerously close to his manly region.  That poor bloody redfish.  I hope he paid for dinner.

Just how these celebrities’ agents managed to convince them that this shoot was a good idea, I don’t know!  Surely anything is better than being naked cuddling a dead fish…  You could do Iceland ads, or be the poster star for Cash for Gold.  The whole idea stinks… and that’s not just of cod.  That’s of desperation.

Look into my eyes.  Can't you see how much I care about deep sea trawling?
Look into my eyes. Can’t you see how much I care about deep sea trawling?

Of course, they’re not the only people getting their kit off for charity.  PETA’s been doing it for years with their ‘I’d rather go naked’ campaign.  Stars – and these guys are actual stars – that have stripped off include Eva Mendes, January Jones and Khloe Kardashian.

More like 'I'd rather get a massive paycheck'
More like ‘I’d rather get a massive paycheck’

I have to say, having been someone who once cried at a lobster being killed on ‘Come Dine With Me’, and a vegetarian for seven years, seeing images of naked women with anti-animal cruely slogans makes me feel alienated from PETA.  They’re such harsh adverts.  I can’t help feeling that if you want to get people on your side when it comes to animal lovin’, you need to connect with them on an emotional level.  All these provocative campaigns just reinforce the stereotype of the crazed, angry vegetarian.  You know, the ones who send hate mail to animal testers.  Really, most ethical veggies are quite compassionate people.

I digress.

Anyway.  My point is: I don’t get these naked campaigns.  If people want to get naked, just get naked.  You can be a life model, or pose for GQ or be an artist’s muse.  But stay away from the dead animals.