I know it’s not terribly fashionable, but I’m a huge royalist. I’ve been one for years, and that’s not because of any sort of intelligent reason – political, economic or otherwise. It’s because the Royal Family’s fun. As with an episode of Eastenders, you get involved with the characters. My favourite is Harry; he’s colourful and untamed, similar to his hair. I like to think we could hang out together and talk about Strictly Come Dancing, Birdy’s latest album, or something else that can be enjoyed by both commoner and prince.
Because I care about Harry so much, I was distressed to hear him tell a TV station yesterday how fed up he was with the “incessant” press intrusion into his personal life. It doesn’t take Sherlock to see that the poor chap is having a frightfully hard time getting a girlfriend. We all saw how tough it was when he wanted to go out with Cressida Boneface. The pair were followed everywhere. Then let’s not forget her predecessor, Chelsy Davy – whom, I confess, I preferred because we went to the same university together: Leeds. It made me think she was quite edgy, to take so well to northern life. By this time she was Prince Harry’s ex-girlfriend – but even still, the press would stalk her through corridors as she was trying to get to lectures. I watched and thought, ‘poor Chelsy’. (As well as, ‘wow, that girl can run in heels’).
Since Cress and Chess, Harry’s had a hard time finding love. And I wish people would leave him alone, because he’s not going to find a girlfriend – let alone wife – with all this probing. I’m genuinely rooting for the old bean, and desperately want him to find “the one”.
I should come clean that the reasons for this support are slightly selfish. It’s not only because I like to see a strapping young man making the most out of his looks and general joie de vivre, but because I’m eager for some entertainment. Specifically, I want a dazzling new princess. A diva, even. Mad, bad, or sad, I don’t care – just make them interesting. Make them… not Catherine Middleton.
There. I said it. But we were all thinking it. Truth be told, I’m bored rigid with the Duchess of Cambridge. I can see entirely how she lacrossed her way into William’s heart: her vanilla personality was very much the ticket. And I’m sure she delights the Queen with her niceness and ability to say all the right things. But my gosh it makes for dull viewing, and I’m not sure I can stand for another twenty years of this. We only have one chance to set it right: Let Harry find a girlfriend.
Not just any girlfriend. We must let him search high and low to find our next princess – whether he wants to go to a fashion week to scout out a more worthy Vogue cover star than the Duchess of Cambridge. Or let him tour the top universities of this world so he can find a girl who will say something profound. As for the latter statement, I should mention that I don’t mind if Harry’s next girlfriend – our future princess – isn’t a looker. I know it’s hard to find both beauty and brains. All I want is some sort of stimulation, aesthetic or intellectual, or else this show – The Royal Family proper – is going to be seriously poor viewing.
Nothing will be achieved until we leave Harry alone. Our own intrusion into his personal life is a false economy – for we are denying ourselves entertainment at a later date. With every photo or video we take of the young prince courting a lady, we prevent any sort of future romantic event. And surely the greatest tragedy of all would be for Harry never to meet someone because of our gross curiosity. To spend a life where no one will ever appreciate his charm, good humour and lovely red hair.
We’ve all got needs, prince or not; let our own desire for gossip not take precedence over one man’s quest for love.
(Oh, and Harry, if you ever fancy a brunette – I’ll be waiting).